Saturday, November 5, 2016

I Don't Want to Write

Friends, I haven’t posted in almost 2 weeks.  Like I said the other day, I’ve had writer’s block.  Today I remembered a creative writing teacher who gave us an assignment: Write an essay titled “I don’t want to write about…”  So I’m going to try it.
I don’t want to write about the election.  I don’t want to write about how I’ve been watching CNN so much, I know it’s not in my best interest.  it makes my head hurt to just hear the same commentators talking over one another.
I don’t want to write about how sad I am.  I love my country.  I especially love the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.  I love that we have due process.  There are amendments I wish we didn’t have.  There are rights I wish were not afforded to us, and there are also rights of which I sincerely wish some people would stop availing themselves!  I have lost friends over this election.  I just can’t maintain a meaningful relationship with someone who espouses the values that any person or group of people are less-than and should be harmed.  I am sad because I love the people in my life very deeply.  It truly breaks my heart that anyone could hate them because of their race, country of origin, sex, gender, orientation, diagnosis, or ability.  
I don’t want to write about how angry I am. It infuriates me to see anyone harmed.  I am enraged that people with a microphone and a camera focused on them would use their power and influence to advocate for and encourage people to hurt someone else for not agreeing with them. I don’t like to be angry at all.  It clouds how I experience the world around me.  I lose patience and sometimes react in ways I regret later.  It keeps me from being present for people I love.  It inhibits me from being my best.
I don’t want to write about how confused I am.  I go to bed at night with a new story breaking, only to wake up in the morning to it having been debunked.  It’s hard to know which stories I read are true, and which ones are not.  When I write, accuracy is extremely important to me.  if I present something on IOI as a fact, it means I have done my research.  I cite my sources so that you can look for yourselves.  If I make a mistake, I want to know.  I feel responsible for what I publish.  It represents me as a writer and a human being.  If I write an article and falsify information to get you to agree with me, I have failed.  If I can’t feel strong and secure by telling the truth, I shouldn’t be writing at all.  
I don’t want to write about how scared I am.  Things that have been said and done during this election have evoked strong feelings in a lot of people.  First off, I am afraid for the people I mentioned earlier who fit into categories of people who have been marginalized and slandered. I worry for their well-being.  I worry about if any of them are internalizing the horrible things they’re hearing about themselves.  I know from experience how easy it is to internalize things that I shouldn’t.  My brain capitalizes on every negative thing it can when I am depressed.  I am really scared by the thought of people who already are vulnerable feeling attacked by someone validating their deepest fears.  Even worse, seeing someone encourage people en masse to be violent toward strangers.  I am afraid for people I love and feel very helpless.  I worry that anything I have to say pales in comparison to what’s being fed to us 24/7.    As if that weren’t enough to be afraid of, November 9 some people are going to be very happy.  Others will be very upset.  Hate crimes against American Muslims went up 78% in 2015.  Hate crimes against people who are transgender rose 40% (2016).  My fear is that no matter who wins, these numbers are going to go up.  
I want to write about gratitude.  I have had deep, meaningful conversations with people I wouldn’t have had otherwise.  I have made new friends and strengthened other relationships.  I have reconnected with friends on Facebook whom I haven’t spoken to in over 20 years.  I am grateful because this election has made me think critically about issues.  I know where I stand and what I think about many different subjects.  But as new information, some of it false, was presented I did my own research.  It has been a good experience to look at issues and what they will mean for me and my loved ones.  It feels good to stand up for other people and work to create safety in a volatile environment where their very personhood is being belittled at best, and at worst, demonized.
Finally, this election has given me hope.  People are standing up and getting involved.  Organizing, educating, advocating, and demonstrating are happening from the ground up.  Regardless of who is elected, I hope these people won’t lose that fire and passion.  People are standing up for one another.  I have seen people come together from completely different backgrounds, demographics, and ways of life.  This wasn’t going to happen without something drastic happening.  Something I often say is that there are very few things we have control over in life.  However, we always have control of our attitude, and what we do with the situations in which we find ourselves.
As always, I’m reminding you to please take care of yourselves and those you love.  IOI has a Facebook page at www.facebook.com/insightoutsidein and you can always post there or message me directly.  I didn’t want to write, but now I’m glad I did.

Be well

9 comments:

  1. On the topic of "please correct me if I'm wrong", I have a correction to offer! The word "transgender" is an adjective, so it can not be -ed, -ing, etc. It's like the word "old". Both words describe a group of people, but are not nouns, adverbs, or verbs. You can't "transgender", but you can transition. You can't be "transgendered" anymore than you can be "olded".

    Anyway, I really liked this blog post because sometimes, I don't feel like blogging either. I have nothing to say, and this is a great exercise! But also, it's nice to see the inner workings of a mental health professional and their experience of this election, etc, so thank you for sharing!

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    1. You're absolutely right, Parker, thank you! Please forgive me. Verbing weirds language!
      The inner workings of a mental health professional...interesting! Thank you for the feedback. Be well.

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  2. Thank you for this post. It has put into words a lot of my own feelings that I don't quite know how to externalize. Without naming any names it's so clear exactly what you're talking about. It is such a time of confusion and disbelief, this presidential election of 2016. Its more like a reality tv show, there for certain people's entertainment, however I don't don't find it very entertaining at all. I can appreciate this written before the voting took place, reading after it is over and I find myself wishing I was back in November fifth rather than today.

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    1. I certainly sympathize with wanting to go back a week. Thank you so much for your comment. Please take care of yourself!

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  3. Thank you for this post. It has put into words a lot of my own feelings that I don't quite know how to externalize. Without naming any names it's so clear exactly what you're talking about. It is such a time of confusion and disbelief, this presidential election of 2016. Its more like a reality tv show, there for certain people's entertainment, however I don't don't find it very entertaining at all. I can appreciate this written before the voting took place, reading after it is over and I find myself wishing I was back in November fifth rather than today.

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  4. I am so happy you thought of your creative writing teacher's push to write this way. I think it is so helpful to open up about what we don't want to acknowledge to get the conversation started. I hope we can all stop capitalizing the negative as you mention and redirect to hope! Beautiful and insightful blog as always.

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  5. Thank you for your insightful words. It is so sad reading this after the election. And yes, many people are very happy. and yet for so many of us we have seen the failures of this country and the people in it. It is great you have your creative writing skills to help you process and give words to what so many of us are feeling/

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  6. I think this had been a trying time for all of us and if I wrote out what I didn't want to write about, it could be a great exercise but bad for business. I think you are brave to put your thoughts forward I admire what you do.

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  7. Maybe you didn't want to write originally, but I can only imagine how good it must've felt to hit PUBLISH on these thoughts of yours! It's been such a tough past few days for our country and I'm so proud of all those who've lent a voice to the conversations going on. I agree that at the end of all the conflict and emotions, I'm still so honored to be a part of a nation that lives on such hope and community.

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