Sunday, November 13, 2016

Arm in Arm, We Confront What's Real: Facing Election Fears

To say it’s been quite a week is probably the understatement of the year.  While I know I may have readers from many different backgrounds and points of view, I am going to be writing about my own experiences this week.  I have grave concerns about what Donald Trump’s presidency will mean for the marginalized populations with whom I work and for whom I advocate.  I have concerns about what his presidency will mean for me as a woman, a woman with a disability, and a woman with a mental illness.  I am concerned about his financial policies and what they will mean for me as an independent contractor.  The purpose of this blog entry, however, is not to be a list of the concerns that I know are shared across the nation and the world.  Rather, I want to tell you about my weekend.  
I take classes at a junior college.  Most of my classes have been toward a certificate in American Sign Language, but I have also taken some classes for fun and for personal enrichment.  I have taken a couple of art classes with a gentleman named Seth. Seth’s teaching style has pushed me both as an artist and a human being.  I have grown from being his student.  He has been working on a show to honor his mentor, Remy Charlip.  Charlip was an artist, a dancer, a choreographer, and an author of children’s books.  Charlip was a Jewish man raised in New York City.  As a gay man who came of age in the 1940’s he struggled throughout his life to find acceptance from family, intimate relationships, professional relationships, and himself.  His life and work ultimately brought him to the San Francisco Bay Area where he met Seth.  Seth uses puppetry, light, visual art, theater, and dance to bring Remy Charlip to life in a show called, “Rainbow Logic: Arm in Arm with Remy Charlip.”  I was absolutely blown away.  
Seth’s work could not be any more relevant to what we are all experiencing as the short term and long term effects of this election start to sink in.  Charlip’s struggle for acceptance started at a very young age with his father.  While I absolutely know this is a common experience in the queer community, I think we are all experiencing this struggle right now.  I don’t know anyone who feels safe in who they are in the current political climate.  As I’ve written about before on IOI, I believe each of us is a sum of all the versions of ourselves we have ever been.  Right now, our child selves are afraid.  We need to feel the safety from those who are meant to protect us (social norms and government), and overnight, it’s just gone.  So we set out.  That’s where we are now.  Charlip experienced temporary safety again and again as he moved through life and relationships, only to find rejection and disappointment. Reflecting on his life, it makes so much sense that he would strive to create safety, nurturing, and acceptance for those coming up after him. 
Last night, I had the privilege to see the documentary “Real Boy,” and hear music from the gentlemen featured in the film.  Real Boy shows a transgender man named Ben’s process of transitioning from a female body to a make one.  Like Charlip, Ben was rejected by his family and had to make his own way.  He was fortunate to meet up with another transgender man named Joe.  Both are extremely talented musicians.  Joe helped Ben to channel what he was going through into his music.  
As frightened as many of us are, one of the most important things we can do right now is CREATE.  Whatever our personal gifts are, we need to use them.  For some, it will be music.  Others will draw.  Another way will be someone doing their part to create a safe space.  But I find that when I am putting positive energy out, it’s very difficult for negative energy to find its way in.  I feel like what Seth, Ben, and Joe are doing is what the conservative movement is most afraid of: Living.  We all know the threats we are subject to just by existing right now.  But instead of cowering, we are skipping down the street, arm in arm, just as Seth and Remy did in San Francisco.  I’m excited.  We don’t do the tough work when it’s too easy.  We get complacent.  We don’t have that luxury right now.  It’s go time.  We all have the opportunity to be part of something bigger, and it’s just getting started. If you’re not the one doing the creating, you can still support the ones who are.  You won’t regret it.  I can’t wait to get out there and see what’s next for each of us.
In the meantime, don’t let anyone tell you what you’re feeling and experiencing is invalid.  People are sad, angry, and afraid, and with good reason.  But we don’t have to stay there.  In fact, we can’t.  It’s no way to live.  Do what you need to in order to be healthy and safe, friends.  But please use what you have to tell your truth.  Regardless of what anyone may tell you, everyone’s story deserves to be told.  Your story needs to be told.  Everyone deserves to make their own unique contribution.  What will yours be?  
Be well.

For more information about the projects described, please check out

Saturday, November 5, 2016

I Don't Want to Write

Friends, I haven’t posted in almost 2 weeks.  Like I said the other day, I’ve had writer’s block.  Today I remembered a creative writing teacher who gave us an assignment: Write an essay titled “I don’t want to write about…”  So I’m going to try it.
I don’t want to write about the election.  I don’t want to write about how I’ve been watching CNN so much, I know it’s not in my best interest.  it makes my head hurt to just hear the same commentators talking over one another.
I don’t want to write about how sad I am.  I love my country.  I especially love the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.  I love that we have due process.  There are amendments I wish we didn’t have.  There are rights I wish were not afforded to us, and there are also rights of which I sincerely wish some people would stop availing themselves!  I have lost friends over this election.  I just can’t maintain a meaningful relationship with someone who espouses the values that any person or group of people are less-than and should be harmed.  I am sad because I love the people in my life very deeply.  It truly breaks my heart that anyone could hate them because of their race, country of origin, sex, gender, orientation, diagnosis, or ability.  
I don’t want to write about how angry I am. It infuriates me to see anyone harmed.  I am enraged that people with a microphone and a camera focused on them would use their power and influence to advocate for and encourage people to hurt someone else for not agreeing with them. I don’t like to be angry at all.  It clouds how I experience the world around me.  I lose patience and sometimes react in ways I regret later.  It keeps me from being present for people I love.  It inhibits me from being my best.
I don’t want to write about how confused I am.  I go to bed at night with a new story breaking, only to wake up in the morning to it having been debunked.  It’s hard to know which stories I read are true, and which ones are not.  When I write, accuracy is extremely important to me.  if I present something on IOI as a fact, it means I have done my research.  I cite my sources so that you can look for yourselves.  If I make a mistake, I want to know.  I feel responsible for what I publish.  It represents me as a writer and a human being.  If I write an article and falsify information to get you to agree with me, I have failed.  If I can’t feel strong and secure by telling the truth, I shouldn’t be writing at all.  
I don’t want to write about how scared I am.  Things that have been said and done during this election have evoked strong feelings in a lot of people.  First off, I am afraid for the people I mentioned earlier who fit into categories of people who have been marginalized and slandered. I worry for their well-being.  I worry about if any of them are internalizing the horrible things they’re hearing about themselves.  I know from experience how easy it is to internalize things that I shouldn’t.  My brain capitalizes on every negative thing it can when I am depressed.  I am really scared by the thought of people who already are vulnerable feeling attacked by someone validating their deepest fears.  Even worse, seeing someone encourage people en masse to be violent toward strangers.  I am afraid for people I love and feel very helpless.  I worry that anything I have to say pales in comparison to what’s being fed to us 24/7.    As if that weren’t enough to be afraid of, November 9 some people are going to be very happy.  Others will be very upset.  Hate crimes against American Muslims went up 78% in 2015.  Hate crimes against people who are transgender rose 40% (2016).  My fear is that no matter who wins, these numbers are going to go up.  
I want to write about gratitude.  I have had deep, meaningful conversations with people I wouldn’t have had otherwise.  I have made new friends and strengthened other relationships.  I have reconnected with friends on Facebook whom I haven’t spoken to in over 20 years.  I am grateful because this election has made me think critically about issues.  I know where I stand and what I think about many different subjects.  But as new information, some of it false, was presented I did my own research.  It has been a good experience to look at issues and what they will mean for me and my loved ones.  It feels good to stand up for other people and work to create safety in a volatile environment where their very personhood is being belittled at best, and at worst, demonized.
Finally, this election has given me hope.  People are standing up and getting involved.  Organizing, educating, advocating, and demonstrating are happening from the ground up.  Regardless of who is elected, I hope these people won’t lose that fire and passion.  People are standing up for one another.  I have seen people come together from completely different backgrounds, demographics, and ways of life.  This wasn’t going to happen without something drastic happening.  Something I often say is that there are very few things we have control over in life.  However, we always have control of our attitude, and what we do with the situations in which we find ourselves.
As always, I’m reminding you to please take care of yourselves and those you love.  IOI has a Facebook page at www.facebook.com/insightoutsidein and you can always post there or message me directly.  I didn’t want to write, but now I’m glad I did.

Be well

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Writer's block!

Hey Insighters!

Everything is fine, I've just got a serious case of writer's block.  If there's anything you'd like to see covered on IOI, please let me know, either in the comments or at insightoutsidein@gmail.com. 

I hope to be back comforting the disturbed and disturbing the comfortable SOON!

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Can you Hear me?

Can you hear me now?
Friends, something is bothering me.  Last week I posted something on my personal FaceBook page about being a safe person for members of a certain minority group.  It was a re-post of something that’s going around.  I got a comment on the post from someone making a disparaging comment about that group.  I answered the person with this question: Why would you choose to post that comment on a post about supporting other people?  I left the question up for 24 hours.  When the person didn’t respond, I deleted the post, and re-posted the graphic with the following caveat: Supportive comments only.
While I have dealt with the offending comment, my discomfort with it remains.  I have been thinking a lot about the question I asked.  I really am trying to figure out the person’s motivation. Did the post make the person question their own values? Were they so offended by the topic that they felt they had to speak up? It’s almost a week later, and I’m still not sure.  I seriously doubt they thought they were going to change my mind.  In fact, anyone who knows me at all knows that I am going to speak up for the minority group.  
The one thing that I am pretty sure of is that the person needed to be heard.   They needed to be understood.  I think that’s a very common need.  If you recall Maslow’s hierarchy, our need for belongingness and love comes right above safety.  Intellectually it doesn’t make much sense to go to someone else’s Facebook page and post a disparaging comment.  But in doing so, the person making the comment probably felt stronger in their own role in their own group.  I can understand that.  Maybe they thought they were doing the right thing?  I believe it is extremely rare for someone to do something with the sole motivation being cruelty.  An action may cause harm, but the person might say that the ends justified the means.  
I am disappointed that the person chose not to talk to me about why they posted the comment.  I did not ask my question to antagonize, but to understand.  Don’t get me wrong, I was still going to delete the comment, or even the whole post.  I’m more than willing to listen, but it doesn’t mean I’m going to leave something up that could be harmful to people I love and care about.  I’m left feeling sad about the whole situation.  I know that someone saw the comment who could have really been harmed by it.  That scares me.  Fortunately the person also saw me stand up for the group of people and ultimately delete the post, but what if they hadn’t?  I would be mortified if someone in my own group thought that I agreed with what the commenter wrote.  The comment really went against everything I stand for.  
I am all for debate and discussion.  It’s how we learn and grow.  How can I learn to adapt my point of view to incorporate other ideas if I never hear any?  But how we have that discussion is what’s important, probably even more so than the content.  I need to be heard too.  Before I sign off, let me just say one quick thing about censorship and the first amendment: The first amendment protects us from laws which abridge our freedom of speech.  It doesn’t mean you get to say what you want when you want how you want.  Your right to extend your fist ends where my nose begins.  It's the same thing with our words.  Even in a context like an online forum where you can type pretty much anything you’re not free from the consequences of what you say because of free speech.  We all have a great responsibility to one another in order to live all together in society the way we do.  As for me, I endeavor to use my words to educate, counsel, comfort, and understand.  How do you want to use yours?

Be well

Friday, October 14, 2016

Seeking Help: Useful Contact Information


Here some national hotline numbers in the United States.  Insight, Outside In is all about taking care of yourself.  It can be really hard to talk about issues with someone you know, even if you know the person is supportive.  These hotlines are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  Remember that private messaging with IOI is also an option, but I can’t guarantee my availability.
Please know that you are cared for and valued.  You deserve to get the help you need.  You deserve wellness.  

In the event of an emergency, including thoughts or feelings of suicide or self-harm, or thoughts or feelings to harm someone else, CALL 911 OR YOUR LOCAL EMERGENCY NUMBER, OR PROCEED TO YOUR NEAREST EMERGENCY ROOM.

Suicide Prevention:
(800) 784-2433
http://www.hopeline.com

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
(800)  273-8255
or text ANSWER to 839863
http://crisiscallcenter.org/crisisservices.html

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 
(800) 799-SAFE (7233) 
(800) 787-3224
Live chat is also available from 7 am - 2 am, Central Time, at http://www.thehotline.org/
http://www.ndvh.org

Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (RAINN):
(800) 656-HOPE (4673)

National Runaway Switchboard
(800) RUNAWAY (786-2929)

Planned Parenthood National Hotline 
800-230-PLAN (7526)

Trans Lifeline
U.S.:(877) 565-8860
Canada: (877) 330-6366
This hotline is staffed by volunteers who are all trans-identified and educated in the range of difficulties transgender people experience. Operators are generally available twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. 

My best to each and every one of you.  Please get the help you need.  Message IOI if you have any questions, would like to share your experience, or even just to say hello. 

Be well.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Moving forward

Saturday evening I went to a neighboring city's annual Take Back the Night.  I've been going almost every year for about 1/2 my life. Take Back the Night happens annually every October in different cities in the United States and beyond.  October is Domestic Violence Awareness month.  The event has an area for tabling for various organizations, areas for making buttons and signs, and a stage area with seating.  There are performances by local dance troupes, poets, and songwriters.  After the performances is the Survivor’s Speak Out during which survivors of domestic violence and abuse share their stories.  It is extremely powerful.  It’s empowering to see these brave people break their silence and shed the shame that has kept them quiet.  
I have been thinking a lot since Saturday about what to write about next?  So much is happening in the political world right now and I feel irresponsible if I don’t address it.  On the other hand, if I blogged every time something newsworthy happened during the campaign I’d never be able to write about anything else and I am just not willing to let it control my life or my blog like that.  There’s also the fact that I like you all too much to do that! 
So, there it is: control.  Who’s in control? There’s so much in our lives that we have no control over: pretty much anyone and anything not between the tips of your fingers, your toes, and the top of your head…assuming you have all of the aforementioned body parts.  We don’t have control over our past.  It’s over and done.  We do have control over what we do with it and how it affects us.  
I got really oversaturated about two days ago with media coverage of the election and had to turn the TV off.  What I was left with were my thoughts.  I was able to really think about what’s been going on the past few days, both in my personal life and on the broader level.  What came of that was that I kept going back to two things: my own power and my own responsibility.  You can’t have one without the other.  
At the time of this writing, the election is 27 days away.  This chapter is going to be over in less than 4 weeks.  Then what?  As a nation, we’re being exposed to divisions that were previously beyond imagination.  I don’t think anyone could have written this to be stranger than it’s turning out.  But on November 9, this part will be over.  I worry about what we have learned about our friends, family, and neighbors.  I believe there is some really dangerous thinking on all sides and sometimes people act on dangerous thoughts.  
Going back to my weekend report in the opening paragraph, that is what I hope will come from all of this: we continue to speak out.  We are having conversations now that we’ve never had before.  I believe we have needed to break through the shame that keeps survivors quiet for a long time.  I know we have a long way to go and I do expect there will be some backlash no matter who wins the election.  But I am really optimistic about some of the things being set into motion.  If we can focus our energy on these changes we really will be a force to be reckoned with.  
I want to close with a quote from The West Wing.  It’s from a special episode that aired about two weeks after 9/11.  In the scene, the Deputy Chief of Staff is telling a group of high school students how to combat terrorism and fear.  I can’t think of better advice for what we face here and now:
“Worry about school.  Worry about what you’re going to tell your parents when you break curfew.  You're going to meet guys.  You're going to meet girls…Learn things, be good to each other.  Read the newspapers, go to the movies, go to a party, read a book.  In the meantime, remember pluralism.  You want to get these people?  I mean, you really want to reach in and kill them where they live?  Keep accepting more than one idea.  It makes them absolutely crazy.  Go!”

Be well.

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Safety: REQUIRED READING FOR INSIGHT, OUTSIDE IN

There is nothing that’s happened on the blog or the Facebook page that has prompted me to write this.  It is the current political situation, coupled with the things I am seeing on social media.  So, once and for all, let me make something crystal clear so there is no question:  Insight, Outside In is a safe place and a person-centered community.  I know, clinical jargon.  What this means is that I absolutely will not tolerate any put downs or any shaming of anyone.  Whether we are discussing gender, sex, race, ethnicity, culture, religion, language, orientation, ability, political affiliation, profession, opinion, diagnosis, education level, socioeconomic level, or any other way we are categorized, there is a zero-tolerance policy for harming others.  Asking questions in a respectful way is encouraged.  If you have an opinion, great!  State it!  Own what’s yours.  We can discuss prejudices and even your own firmly held beliefs.  Just make sure you preface such statements with “I… (think, feel, believe, was raised hearing that…)” etc.  If you’re not sure if a comment is appropriate, feel free to ask me privately.  We can always discuss the wording, and I will do everything I can to make sure you are able to express your thought in a way that still meets these guidelines.  Abusive comments will deleted, and you will get one warning before you are banned from the page, no matter who you are.  
This is also really important: I am also human.  I will make mistakes.  If I post something offensive, PLEASE bring it to my attention.  You have every right to hold me to the same standard, and then some.  Your mental health and wellness are the reason I am here, and why I do what I do.  If I offend someone, it negatively affects our relationship, even if it’s just an online relationship.  Relationships matter.  IOI places relationships at an extremely high importance.  This is a community, even if it’s a virtual one, where everyone has the right to expect safety.  Let’s help each other to

Be well.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Dominant and Sub: Let's Talk About Culture

Something I have been extremely fortunate to be able to do is learn American Sign Language (ASL).  I have been taking classes at the junior college, and while I am not fluent, I am certainly proficient.  Learning ASL is more than just learning the signs and how to put them together.  A key part of sign language education is learning about Deaf Culture.  For the purpose of this article, I’m going to use Merriam-Webster’s definition of culture as “ the customary beliefs, social forms, and material traits of a racial, religious, or social group; also :  the characteristic features of everyday existence (as diversions or a way of life) shared by people in a place or time.”  Deaf culture includes adaptive behavior that enables a Deaf person’s success in life.  For example, if a hearing person is late to a class made up primarily of other hearing people, the late student would be expected to come in as quietly as possible and take their seat without disturbing anyone.  A class made up primarily of Deaf people, or one which follows Deaf culture like an ASL class, would be very different.  The class would stop and acknowledge the late student.  He or she would be expected to share what was going on, and why they were late.  If there were a traffic problem, the student would detail where, how bad, the reason, you get the idea.  This is because a Deaf person can’t overhear information.  They won’t hear it on the radio when they get in the car to leave.  Sharing information is a high priority in Deaf culture.  To an outsider, it may look rude to disrupt a whole class.  But to the members of that culture, it’s not only tolerated, it’s expected!
Our society has a very definite dominant culture and many minority subcultures.  There are more divisions than I could possibly try to name, but the ones that seem to get discussed the most are race and sexual orientation.  
It concerns me when I hear members of the dominant culture belittling members of a minority culture as a whole, or a specific trait.  If someone is going the claim that every member of a subculture behaves a certain way, I want some hard evidence.  When we paint a group of people with a broad brush, we’ve crossed a line.  Instead of arguing directly with someone about whether a group does in fact conform to a given stereotype, I like to ask, “why do you think that is?”  I know I’m very likely not going to change anyone’s mind any more that they’re going to change mine.  But people behave the way they do for a reason.  In my example from Deaf culture, sharing information keeps other people safe.  It relays information the group wouldn’t otherwise have.  But to someone who doesn’t know Deaf Culture, they might think the person was extremely rude for interrupting the class to talk about a traffic accident.  The same event will look very different from two different perspectives.  
The things that make up culture, customary beliefs, social forms, and material traits, are how that particular group of people get their needs met.  It’s how they continue to survive, then live, then thrive.  When the dominant culture deprives the subculture of these beliefs, forms, and traits, the message is that the dominant culture is not concerned with the subculture’s survival.  What’s really dangerous about that is what a threat this is to our integrated society.  We don’t get to enjoy the benefits of living in a melting pot, and just discard the parts we don’t like.  There are going to be conflicts, that’s part of living together.  But I wish we’d ask each other more questions instead of making so many assumptions and accusations.  The dominant culture does not have the right to define the exs of the subculture. 
So no matter how you identify yourself, you have a right to contribute to your society.  A responsibility.  But the people around you do too.  These are wonderful opportunities to learn about yourself and your own culture too.  Learning about Deaf Culture made me aware of habit I have and things I do that have become automatic.  It doesn’t mean Deaf Culture has taken over, and I’m certainly not being oppressed!  It means just as I look at why other people do what they do, I ask the same question of myself.  Rather than feeling threatened, I feel more secure in who I am, and what I get to contribute.  What will your contribution be? 

Be well.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

IOI's Perspective on Trauma and the Election

Friends, I have really been struggling with something: politics.  As a blogger in a helping field, I feel conflicted.  On one hand, I try very hard to make Insight, Outside In safe for as many people as possible.  Taking a political stance is one of the fastest ways I know to alienate a significant group of people.  On the other hand, any time mental health comes up in news or major media, I want to address it.  Bringing mental health issues to light is crucial to reducing stigma.  While I'm sure my bias shows to just about anyone who reads here with any regularity, I have tried very hard to keep my political opinions to myself.  But something was said by a major candidate for the office of President of the United States, and I feel a strong need to address it. This is the first time since IOI's inception this has happened, and I feel I am being baptized by fire! Here's the quote:

"When people come back from war and combat, they see things that maybe a lot of the folks in this room have seen many times over, and you're strong and you can handle it, but a lot of people can't handle it, And they see horror stories — they see events that you couldn’t see in a movie. Nobody would believe it. And we need mental health help, and medical. And it’s one of the things that I think is least-addressed, and it's one of the things that I hear the most about, when I go around and am talking to veterans."

I am printing the quote in its entirety, and not just the troublesome part.  While I agree that mental health is completely under-addressed, the first part is extremely problematic.  The implication is that a person with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is not strong.  
The very first point I need to make is to anyone reading this who has PTSD or any other trauma-related diagnosis, or anyone having symptoms, but doesn't have the actual diagnosis: YOU ARE AWESOME. If you are reading this, it means you survived.  You deserve to have survived.  You're a creative, resourceful, talented, strong, determined human being.  I am eternally grateful for you, and proud of you.  Someone else not seeing your infinite value doesn't mean it isn't there.  I promise it is.  
Now for anyone who has never experienced symptoms of a trauma-related diagnosis: I am so happy for you and excited for you! I hope you never have to go through anything that evokes those symptoms.  I am grateful for the life you live which is not inhibited by recovering from trauma.  It's really hard work.  I truly would not wish it on anyone.  
I see participation in society as a responsibility.  We all have a part.  To my friends in group number one, we need you.  Group two, listen up.  You're going to have to do your part for group number one.  Someday, you are going to need help from someone in group number one.  What's really cool is that all the work they're doing to deal with those symptoms is going to change them. 
I know that the part of the quote that was reported was taken out of context, but here’s the problem: Once we start to have a trauma reaction, our brains couldn’t care less about the context.  Remember, our 5 senses take in information, and send it at lightning speed through the processor, which then decides on a reaction and produces it.  I just published an article last week about the effects of shame.  It’s not hard to read the quote as a statement that if someone can’t handle “it,” they aren’t strong.  This has the potential to trigger symptoms for someone with PTSD from war and combat.  It’s important to be careful with our words.  As I’ve said before, relationships are of the utmost importance.  As I write this, there are 5 weeks until the election.  I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have extremely strong feelings about this election.  So the challenge I am putting out there to each of us, including myself, is for each of us to do our part.  Take care of one another, and take care of yourself.  This election will be over in 5 weeks and one day, and whomever is elected will not serve in office forever.  Whatever the outcomes will be, we will still live in relationships with one another.  
Be well.

Friday, September 30, 2016

It's a Shame...

Friends, I am furious.  I try very hard to keep topics mixed up and not to dwell on one for more than one article at a time, but tonight, I need to get this out.  It’s not exactly about pejorative language, but it’s in that same vein: Shaming.  We are watching people being shamed and mocked for their looks, their actions in the past, their race, their gender, and their religion with alarming regularity.  So much so, I fear we are being desensitized to it.  I am trying to follow my own advice, and am not watching news.  It doesn’t matter, because I run IOI solely using social media.  Every time I sit down at the computer, there it is.   So my next step is to do something different with the feelings, so I do what works best for me: I write about it.
I have a real problem with shaming people.  I don’t believe it’s productive in any context.  Shame holds people back and keeps them stuck.  Shame focuses on problems and not solutions.  A person is made to feel shame about something that has already happened, and therefore cannot go back and fix.  It is ultimately a power play.
The person doing the shaming has authority over the person being shamed.  Even if it’s not a direct position, they are invoking an authoritative position and asserting dominance.  It really plays to the lowest common denominator.  Being shamed makes it extremely difficult to fight back.  It puts the person being shamed in the position of having to defend themselves against their own insecurities.  That’s the thing about shame: it’s exploitive.  We know what the skeletons in our own closet are.  We know our weaknesses, our faults, our failings.  By virtue of them being there in the first place, we are already put at a disadvantage.  But then someone flings the closet door wide open, and shines a spotlight on that dark corner.  In a recent article I talked about how important it is to choose your words with care.  Exposing someone to shame intentionally is absolutely cruel.  Let’s look at what’s communicated: First, the words themselves bring to light something the person doing the shaming knows the ashamed person doesn’t want seen.  But I think the second part of what’s getting communicated is even worse.  The underlying message is that the person being shamed has no value.  How inhumane can you get? Shaming involves taking something about someone, something that they feel their absolute worst about, and tells them that they are actually even worse than they had feared.  Why in the world would anyone choose to do this to someone else? To me, it makes the person doing the shaming look worse than they could ever make their intended target look.  
There’s just no reason for it.  I’m not saying we all have to hold hands and sing campfire songs, but there’s a whole lot of increments in between these two extremes.  If there’s really a need to confront someone about past behavior, there are so many ways to do it that aren’t harmful.  If you're really doing it to be helpful, choose helpful words.  
I am deeply concerned.  People I care about (This includes my IOIers) are talking about being harmed by being exposed to shaming tactics which are so prevalent right now.  Past traumas are surfacing that have spent a long time in the dark.  Trauma responses don't just disappear as quickly as they came, and can have lasting, even dangerous, effects. We’ve all got to be careful.  We are all going to have to pick ourselves up and live our lives with one another long after the dust has settled.  But long after the words have been spoken, the effects will remain.  So will the effects of those effects, and so on.  Please, treat human beings with care.  Even the ones you don’t like.  I implore each of you, no matter your politics, religion, race, gender, orientation, ability, or individuality to strive not to harm.  Please.  Help one another to…

Be well.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Transparency

Just a quick thought before I head to bed:
One thing that I strive for in writing IOI is transparency.  It's why I chose to blog through my recent depressing episode.  I tell the truth about my own challenges with physical and mental wellness.  I cannot ask for honesty and vulnerability from anyone in my life, least of all my readers, without extending the same.  So I'm writing a quick bonus entry about this tonight.  Here's something that happened today:
I had a panic attack.  Not feeling nervous.  Not overwhelmed. This was a full-on, head-to-toe, adrenaline pumping, heart pounding, tunnel vision, couldn't breathe, knew I was dying panic attack.  To use one of those clinical terms I am so fond of, it sucked.  As soon as I was able to, I took medication for it to help my body return to its usual state.  But what this meant was that I wasn't able to drive for a few hours afterward.  I was supposed to go to a class tonight where I'm a Teacher's Aide (TA) twice a week (another story).  I went to email the instructor and a couple of my friends who would also be there, and I had a decision to make: What do I tell them?  Something vague like, "can't make it tonight?"  A white lie like a flat tire or a migraine?  Or do I tell the truth, and be prepared to deal with how it might be perceived?  I chose door number three.  I will say the instructor I TA for is really cool, and I had a good idea that it was going to be okay.  She was extremely supportive and kind, as was my friend.  Anxiety is part of my mental health challenge.  It's nothing for me to be ashamed of any more than a broken bone or the flu. 
One of my main goals is to get you, me, our community, and Fluffy the Goldfish talking about mental health and wellness issues.  This isn't going to happen if as soon as there's an issue about mental health, any of us start hiding.  Of course it's always important to be safe.  If disclosing your mental health status is going to put you in harm's way, always make your safety top priority!  Know that IOI is here as a safe community where you don't have to hide.  I want to celebrate accomplishments, share what we learn, and help one another dust off after we fall.  But it means we're all in this together.  I truly hope you learn from what I share here.  I am committed to doing what I can to make IOI really special.  If this means putting myself out there, taking risks, and being vulnerable I'll be first in line for you every time.  

Be well.

What's the Word?

I try very hard not to get political in any particular direction on IOI since I don’t want to alienate anyone.  I am going to do my best to keep from taking a side here and just stick to the issue, but I am sure my personal bias will underly what I write.  I want to talk about language; specifically, pejorative language.  This is language which expresses contempt or disapproval, but there’s more to it than that.  It’s about how the feelings are expressed.  Pejorative language belittles the person.  It’s hostile, disrespectful, and can be abusive.  I am happy that people are paying more attention to language.
I have always had a problem with the word “retarded” used as an insult.  Now it’s not even a clinical term, which is even better.  When I was younger I was told that I was too sensitive for complaining about the word.  But I was called “retard” all through grade school, and it hurt.  I don’t know my IQ, but it’s not low enough to have fit that category even when it was proper to use.  But I was shamed for my reaction instead of the person using the term being reprimanded.   
It’s not just that word either.  People use mental health diagnoses pejoratively in other ways too: “I’m so OCD!”  “That’s retarded.”  “That’s gay.” “Are you bipolar? You’re all over the place!”  “He’s so Schizophrenic!” “What a psychopath!” You get the idea.  We use diagnostic terms and other characteristics of people as insults.  We are making human beings the butt of jokes and insults.  
Mental illness is invisible.  While you may be able to see evidence of symptoms, you can’t see the illness itself.  If you walked past me on the street you would certainly see my walker, but not my Depression.  I know it’s cliche to say that people with mental illness are everywhere, but it’s true.  So at the beginning of a semester if I’m hanging out with a new group of classmates and one of them starts using these terms, they are communicating so much more with their words than just the ones they speak.  They are telling everyone present with a mental health diagnosis that they aren’t safe.  I don’t believe for a moment that this is their intention.  If you asked that person, they’d probably say that they’re extremely loving and compassionate, and would never set out to hurt someone. 
So now let’s get back to the issue of the present political climate.  Now that group of friends I want to hang out with is my church congregation, my coworkers, or my recovery fellowship.  These are all places that have meaning to the members, and it’s important to be part of the group.  In fact, there may be negative consequences to being ostracized.  So someone says something about a particular candidate.  It may not even be that bad.  But then the next person piggybacks on it, and what they have to say is more of a direct insult.  The third person uses an actual pejorative term.  I am going to be expected to join in.  I may feel that what they’re saying is wrong, but I am between a rock and a hard place.  Even if I agree that the candidate is awful, I can’t comment on the language they’re using in a way that feels safe and comfortable.  If I disagree with them, then I’m really in hot water.  It worries me greatly to see people in positions of power use pejorative language.  I believe, even if it’s on an unconscious level, it gives implicit permission to others to do the same.  
I wish I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard, “This is America, I have free speech.  I can say what I want,” or some variation on that.  First, that’s not what the First Amendment actually says.  Here’s the text: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”  See? It’s not that I can say what I want, when I want, where I want.  It’s that the government can’t put me in jail for saying I disagree with them.  To put it another way, I can’t yell “Fire!” in a crowded theater without there being consequences…unless there really is a fire, but that’s covered in the PTSD blog entry!  I can’t issue a threat to an elected official without people in suits showing up at my door.
You are certainly able to say anything that comes to mind.  It doesn’t mean you won’t be accountable for what you say.  I want to make one more really important point before I sign off: Words mean things.  They can hurt someone.  Something else I was told when I was teased as a child is that “sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me!”  Not true.  Words can and do hurt people.  I have written before about how mean my Depression is to me.  If someone were to come at me in a mean way when I am in the midst of a depressive episode, it really could put me in danger.  
Please choose your words carefully.  Everything out of your mouth doesn’t have to be sunshine and roses, but think about what you’re saying and how you’re saying it.  There are very few things in life that are more important that our relationships with other people.  Disagree, but do so in a way that’s not going to cause harm.  State facts, and then describe how YOU feel.  After the election, a lot of people are going to be very happy, and a lot of people are not.  But no matter what, we still have to go on with our day to day life together.  So let’s not make messes we’re going to be cleaning up long after November 8th.  So now I have two words for you:

Be well.



U.S. Const. amend. I.

Monday, September 26, 2016

Antisocial Personality Disorder: From Surgeons to Serial Killers

Now that we’ve discussed Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder, we’re ready to see what’s behind Personality Disorder Door Number Three…It’s Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD)!
While people with ASPD have the propensity for extreme violence, and some of the most violent people in our society have or have had it, I am not going to spend a lot of time on the crimes they have committed.  This article does contain one mention of a violent act, but not a detailed description.
This is a really interesting one.  The word “antisocial” leads a lot of people to misunderstand what the disorder really is.  It’s not about not socializing.  Some people with ASPD are some of the most charming, smooth, sociable characters you’ll ever meet.  Think of the “social” part of the word as “society.”  Anti-society.  These folks are not playing by the same rules as the rest of us.  
A person with ASPD has no regard for right and wrong.  They will ignore the rights and feelings of other people.  They may be harsh, callous, and indifferent toward someone.  They will do so without guilt or remorse.  
Here’s an example from when I was working inpatient forensic mental health: 
In order to restrain someone or force medication, the patient had to be currently violent and threatening.  Keep that in mind.  On this particular day, a patient with BPSD walked into another patient’s room who owed him money.  He beat the man so badly, the victim’s jaw was broken.  Afterward, the assailant walked back to his own room, and laid calmly on his bed until staff came running.  Our hands were tied.  He had just violently assaulted someone, but no longer posed a threat.  He was talking to us as calmly as if he were asking about the weather.  We were able to place him in secluded observation for 30 minutes.  But the whole time he was in the locked room, he sat on the bed and was completely quiet.  I don’t think he was even breathing hard.  When the 30 minutes were up, we had no choice but to release him back onto the ward.  
Creeped out?  So was I.  
So let’s talk about the diagnostic criteria.  The DSM 5 states that a person with ASPD will have:
 A.  A pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others, occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three (or more) of the following:
1 Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors, as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest.
2 deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated  lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure.
3 Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead. 
4 Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults.
5 Reckless disregard for safety of self and others.
6 Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations.
7 Lack of remorse, as indicated by being in different to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.
B.  The individual is at least age 18 years.
C. There is evidence of conduct disorder with onset before age 15 years.
D. The occurrence of antisocial behavior is not exclusively during the course of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.
(American Psychiatric Association, 2013).”
I am not going to get into Conduct Disorder in this article.  It’s a whole other topic which deserves its own article, and I figure ASPD is a lot to digest on its own.  What I would like you to take from this is that it’s a lifelong pattern.  Other personality disorders don’t really start showing until early adulthood, late teens at the earliest.  ASPD, on the other hand, starts showing up earlier.  
What I find really interesting about ASPD is that it can also make a person highly effective in certain situations.  I like to think of it as using their powers for good instead of evil.  Think of careers where a person would need to make decisions without letting emotions interfere in judgement:  I am absolutely serious when I tell you that people with ASPD make great attorneys.  A surgeon, to give another example, has to make split-second decisions based on what’s right in front of them, as opposed to feelings they may have about what may happen.  It’s also not hard to find examples of this disorder whenever you look at people in management level positions.  I’m not trying to be insulting.  It’s just that the characteristics of ASPD make for someone who makes shrewd business decisions without letting feelings get in the way.  A person has to have at least some of the traits in order to succeed in politics.  
This is the last article in the series on Personality Disorders.  I am looking forward to your thoughts, questions, and comments.  I wanted to end with this one because it tends to be interesting information that not many people know.  Antisocial Personality Disorder is something we see around us at a greater frequency than we really think about.  This article isn’t so much about techniques for dealing with someone with ASPD, but is intended to be more informative.  Just know that as with any personality disorder, you’re not going to change the person.  This is who they are.  But also remember that you are not the cause either.  
Be well.

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing.

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder/home/ovc-20198975

Friday, September 23, 2016

Voting in the United States

Friends, it is my personal opinion that voting is one of the most important things we can do.  It is a right afforded to each of us who are United States citizens.  The method to register varies by state.  If you'd like to add information for your particular state in the comments section, it is certainly welcomed.

Even if you choose not to vote for a presidential candidate, there are usually state and local elections and issues also on the ballot.

Here's a website that will connect you with voter registration for your particular state: https://vote.usa.gov/

Here are the voter registration deadlines for the November General Election for each state.  I used the soonest date for each state if postmarked/received/in-person dates were different.  Please double check your state's requirements and, if need be, let me know of any errors!

Alabama
Monday, October 24, 2016
Montana
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Alaska
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Nebraska
Friday, October 21, 2016
Arizona
Monday, October 10, 2016
Nevada
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Arkansas
Sunday, October 9, 2016
New Hampshire
Saturday, October 8, 2016
California
Monday, October 24, 2016
New Jersey
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Colorado
Monday, October 31, 2016
New Mexico
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Connecticut
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
New York
Friday, October 14, 2016
Deleware
Saturday, October 15, 2016
North Carolina
Friday, October 14, 2016
Florida
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
North Dakota Not Required
Georgia
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Ohio
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Hawaii
Monday, October 10, 2016
Oklahoma
Friday, October 14, 2016
Idaho
Friday, October 14, 2016
Oregon
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Illinois
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Pennsylvania
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Indiana
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Rhode Island
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Iowa
Monday, October 24, 2016
South Carolina
Saturday, October 8, 2016
Kansas
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
South Dakota
Monday, October 24, 2016
Kentucky
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Tennessee
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Louisiana
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Texas
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Maine
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Utah
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Maryland
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Vermont 
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
Massachusetts
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Virginia
Monday, October 17, 2016
Michigan
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Washington
Monday, October 10, 2016
Minnesota
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Washington D.C.
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Mississippi
Saturday, October 8, 2016
West Virginia
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Missouri
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
Wisconsin
Wednesday, October 19, 2016


Wyoming 
Monday, October 24, 2016