Checking in for Wednesday, September 14, 2016

I haven't been sleeping well since this depressive episode started.  I am having what's called "middle insomnia."  I fall asleep at my usual bedtime, but then I wake up around 1 or 2, and am up until about 5.  Then I want to sleep the rest of the day.  Sleep wise, last night was rough.  I do have good news for you...mood wise, today was better!  I got some news last night that could have been quite a setback for me, professionally.  My Depression tried really hard to take it and run with it.  Seriously, A for effort.  It tried to tell me to give up on this particular goal, and what do I think I'm doing?  I'm going to fail at it anyway.  I really should just quit.  I knew that it was my Depression talking, and that my Depression lies to me.  A lot.  About EVERYTHING.  I also knew that this depressive cycle is going to end, hopefully within the next week or two.  When it does, my life will go on.  Any decisions I make now will affect my future.  This is not the time for any major changes, like giving up on a goal.  So even though I didn't want to, I got moving.  I reached out.  I sent emails, brainstormed, researched, begged (yep), and stomped my feet, but I got moving.  By the end of the day today, I have things worked out for that particular situation.  Actually, it turned out even better than I was hoping!  I love proving my Depression wrong.

Something else I did today is that I saw my therapist.  We talked a lot about what I am doing right: seeking help as soon as symptoms started, accepting a change in my medications, talking about what's going on, getting outside time, making myself get out of bed, writing, etc.  It's hard.  I don't feel like doing any of it.  But I also know what happens if I don't: I always feel worse.  

Tonight, I am tired.  I am ready to go to bed, but not because I am depressed.  I feel fulfilled.  I am proud of the work I am doing.  I am even having moments when I feel like myself.  

Be well