Sunday, November 13, 2016

Arm in Arm, We Confront What's Real: Facing Election Fears

To say it’s been quite a week is probably the understatement of the year.  While I know I may have readers from many different backgrounds and points of view, I am going to be writing about my own experiences this week.  I have grave concerns about what Donald Trump’s presidency will mean for the marginalized populations with whom I work and for whom I advocate.  I have concerns about what his presidency will mean for me as a woman, a woman with a disability, and a woman with a mental illness.  I am concerned about his financial policies and what they will mean for me as an independent contractor.  The purpose of this blog entry, however, is not to be a list of the concerns that I know are shared across the nation and the world.  Rather, I want to tell you about my weekend.  
I take classes at a junior college.  Most of my classes have been toward a certificate in American Sign Language, but I have also taken some classes for fun and for personal enrichment.  I have taken a couple of art classes with a gentleman named Seth. Seth’s teaching style has pushed me both as an artist and a human being.  I have grown from being his student.  He has been working on a show to honor his mentor, Remy Charlip.  Charlip was an artist, a dancer, a choreographer, and an author of children’s books.  Charlip was a Jewish man raised in New York City.  As a gay man who came of age in the 1940’s he struggled throughout his life to find acceptance from family, intimate relationships, professional relationships, and himself.  His life and work ultimately brought him to the San Francisco Bay Area where he met Seth.  Seth uses puppetry, light, visual art, theater, and dance to bring Remy Charlip to life in a show called, “Rainbow Logic: Arm in Arm with Remy Charlip.”  I was absolutely blown away.  
Seth’s work could not be any more relevant to what we are all experiencing as the short term and long term effects of this election start to sink in.  Charlip’s struggle for acceptance started at a very young age with his father.  While I absolutely know this is a common experience in the queer community, I think we are all experiencing this struggle right now.  I don’t know anyone who feels safe in who they are in the current political climate.  As I’ve written about before on IOI, I believe each of us is a sum of all the versions of ourselves we have ever been.  Right now, our child selves are afraid.  We need to feel the safety from those who are meant to protect us (social norms and government), and overnight, it’s just gone.  So we set out.  That’s where we are now.  Charlip experienced temporary safety again and again as he moved through life and relationships, only to find rejection and disappointment. Reflecting on his life, it makes so much sense that he would strive to create safety, nurturing, and acceptance for those coming up after him. 
Last night, I had the privilege to see the documentary “Real Boy,” and hear music from the gentlemen featured in the film.  Real Boy shows a transgender man named Ben’s process of transitioning from a female body to a make one.  Like Charlip, Ben was rejected by his family and had to make his own way.  He was fortunate to meet up with another transgender man named Joe.  Both are extremely talented musicians.  Joe helped Ben to channel what he was going through into his music.  
As frightened as many of us are, one of the most important things we can do right now is CREATE.  Whatever our personal gifts are, we need to use them.  For some, it will be music.  Others will draw.  Another way will be someone doing their part to create a safe space.  But I find that when I am putting positive energy out, it’s very difficult for negative energy to find its way in.  I feel like what Seth, Ben, and Joe are doing is what the conservative movement is most afraid of: Living.  We all know the threats we are subject to just by existing right now.  But instead of cowering, we are skipping down the street, arm in arm, just as Seth and Remy did in San Francisco.  I’m excited.  We don’t do the tough work when it’s too easy.  We get complacent.  We don’t have that luxury right now.  It’s go time.  We all have the opportunity to be part of something bigger, and it’s just getting started. If you’re not the one doing the creating, you can still support the ones who are.  You won’t regret it.  I can’t wait to get out there and see what’s next for each of us.
In the meantime, don’t let anyone tell you what you’re feeling and experiencing is invalid.  People are sad, angry, and afraid, and with good reason.  But we don’t have to stay there.  In fact, we can’t.  It’s no way to live.  Do what you need to in order to be healthy and safe, friends.  But please use what you have to tell your truth.  Regardless of what anyone may tell you, everyone’s story deserves to be told.  Your story needs to be told.  Everyone deserves to make their own unique contribution.  What will yours be?  
Be well.

For more information about the projects described, please check out

Saturday, November 5, 2016

I Don't Want to Write

Friends, I haven’t posted in almost 2 weeks.  Like I said the other day, I’ve had writer’s block.  Today I remembered a creative writing teacher who gave us an assignment: Write an essay titled “I don’t want to write about…”  So I’m going to try it.
I don’t want to write about the election.  I don’t want to write about how I’ve been watching CNN so much, I know it’s not in my best interest.  it makes my head hurt to just hear the same commentators talking over one another.
I don’t want to write about how sad I am.  I love my country.  I especially love the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.  I love that we have due process.  There are amendments I wish we didn’t have.  There are rights I wish were not afforded to us, and there are also rights of which I sincerely wish some people would stop availing themselves!  I have lost friends over this election.  I just can’t maintain a meaningful relationship with someone who espouses the values that any person or group of people are less-than and should be harmed.  I am sad because I love the people in my life very deeply.  It truly breaks my heart that anyone could hate them because of their race, country of origin, sex, gender, orientation, diagnosis, or ability.  
I don’t want to write about how angry I am. It infuriates me to see anyone harmed.  I am enraged that people with a microphone and a camera focused on them would use their power and influence to advocate for and encourage people to hurt someone else for not agreeing with them. I don’t like to be angry at all.  It clouds how I experience the world around me.  I lose patience and sometimes react in ways I regret later.  It keeps me from being present for people I love.  It inhibits me from being my best.
I don’t want to write about how confused I am.  I go to bed at night with a new story breaking, only to wake up in the morning to it having been debunked.  It’s hard to know which stories I read are true, and which ones are not.  When I write, accuracy is extremely important to me.  if I present something on IOI as a fact, it means I have done my research.  I cite my sources so that you can look for yourselves.  If I make a mistake, I want to know.  I feel responsible for what I publish.  It represents me as a writer and a human being.  If I write an article and falsify information to get you to agree with me, I have failed.  If I can’t feel strong and secure by telling the truth, I shouldn’t be writing at all.  
I don’t want to write about how scared I am.  Things that have been said and done during this election have evoked strong feelings in a lot of people.  First off, I am afraid for the people I mentioned earlier who fit into categories of people who have been marginalized and slandered. I worry for their well-being.  I worry about if any of them are internalizing the horrible things they’re hearing about themselves.  I know from experience how easy it is to internalize things that I shouldn’t.  My brain capitalizes on every negative thing it can when I am depressed.  I am really scared by the thought of people who already are vulnerable feeling attacked by someone validating their deepest fears.  Even worse, seeing someone encourage people en masse to be violent toward strangers.  I am afraid for people I love and feel very helpless.  I worry that anything I have to say pales in comparison to what’s being fed to us 24/7.    As if that weren’t enough to be afraid of, November 9 some people are going to be very happy.  Others will be very upset.  Hate crimes against American Muslims went up 78% in 2015.  Hate crimes against people who are transgender rose 40% (2016).  My fear is that no matter who wins, these numbers are going to go up.  
I want to write about gratitude.  I have had deep, meaningful conversations with people I wouldn’t have had otherwise.  I have made new friends and strengthened other relationships.  I have reconnected with friends on Facebook whom I haven’t spoken to in over 20 years.  I am grateful because this election has made me think critically about issues.  I know where I stand and what I think about many different subjects.  But as new information, some of it false, was presented I did my own research.  It has been a good experience to look at issues and what they will mean for me and my loved ones.  It feels good to stand up for other people and work to create safety in a volatile environment where their very personhood is being belittled at best, and at worst, demonized.
Finally, this election has given me hope.  People are standing up and getting involved.  Organizing, educating, advocating, and demonstrating are happening from the ground up.  Regardless of who is elected, I hope these people won’t lose that fire and passion.  People are standing up for one another.  I have seen people come together from completely different backgrounds, demographics, and ways of life.  This wasn’t going to happen without something drastic happening.  Something I often say is that there are very few things we have control over in life.  However, we always have control of our attitude, and what we do with the situations in which we find ourselves.
As always, I’m reminding you to please take care of yourselves and those you love.  IOI has a Facebook page at www.facebook.com/insightoutsidein and you can always post there or message me directly.  I didn’t want to write, but now I’m glad I did.

Be well

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Writer's block!

Hey Insighters!

Everything is fine, I've just got a serious case of writer's block.  If there's anything you'd like to see covered on IOI, please let me know, either in the comments or at insightoutsidein@gmail.com. 

I hope to be back comforting the disturbed and disturbing the comfortable SOON!

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Can you Hear me?

Can you hear me now?
Friends, something is bothering me.  Last week I posted something on my personal FaceBook page about being a safe person for members of a certain minority group.  It was a re-post of something that’s going around.  I got a comment on the post from someone making a disparaging comment about that group.  I answered the person with this question: Why would you choose to post that comment on a post about supporting other people?  I left the question up for 24 hours.  When the person didn’t respond, I deleted the post, and re-posted the graphic with the following caveat: Supportive comments only.
While I have dealt with the offending comment, my discomfort with it remains.  I have been thinking a lot about the question I asked.  I really am trying to figure out the person’s motivation. Did the post make the person question their own values? Were they so offended by the topic that they felt they had to speak up? It’s almost a week later, and I’m still not sure.  I seriously doubt they thought they were going to change my mind.  In fact, anyone who knows me at all knows that I am going to speak up for the minority group.  
The one thing that I am pretty sure of is that the person needed to be heard.   They needed to be understood.  I think that’s a very common need.  If you recall Maslow’s hierarchy, our need for belongingness and love comes right above safety.  Intellectually it doesn’t make much sense to go to someone else’s Facebook page and post a disparaging comment.  But in doing so, the person making the comment probably felt stronger in their own role in their own group.  I can understand that.  Maybe they thought they were doing the right thing?  I believe it is extremely rare for someone to do something with the sole motivation being cruelty.  An action may cause harm, but the person might say that the ends justified the means.  
I am disappointed that the person chose not to talk to me about why they posted the comment.  I did not ask my question to antagonize, but to understand.  Don’t get me wrong, I was still going to delete the comment, or even the whole post.  I’m more than willing to listen, but it doesn’t mean I’m going to leave something up that could be harmful to people I love and care about.  I’m left feeling sad about the whole situation.  I know that someone saw the comment who could have really been harmed by it.  That scares me.  Fortunately the person also saw me stand up for the group of people and ultimately delete the post, but what if they hadn’t?  I would be mortified if someone in my own group thought that I agreed with what the commenter wrote.  The comment really went against everything I stand for.  
I am all for debate and discussion.  It’s how we learn and grow.  How can I learn to adapt my point of view to incorporate other ideas if I never hear any?  But how we have that discussion is what’s important, probably even more so than the content.  I need to be heard too.  Before I sign off, let me just say one quick thing about censorship and the first amendment: The first amendment protects us from laws which abridge our freedom of speech.  It doesn’t mean you get to say what you want when you want how you want.  Your right to extend your fist ends where my nose begins.  It's the same thing with our words.  Even in a context like an online forum where you can type pretty much anything you’re not free from the consequences of what you say because of free speech.  We all have a great responsibility to one another in order to live all together in society the way we do.  As for me, I endeavor to use my words to educate, counsel, comfort, and understand.  How do you want to use yours?

Be well

Friday, October 14, 2016

Seeking Help: Useful Contact Information


Here some national hotline numbers in the United States.  Insight, Outside In is all about taking care of yourself.  It can be really hard to talk about issues with someone you know, even if you know the person is supportive.  These hotlines are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  Remember that private messaging with IOI is also an option, but I can’t guarantee my availability.
Please know that you are cared for and valued.  You deserve to get the help you need.  You deserve wellness.  

In the event of an emergency, including thoughts or feelings of suicide or self-harm, or thoughts or feelings to harm someone else, CALL 911 OR YOUR LOCAL EMERGENCY NUMBER, OR PROCEED TO YOUR NEAREST EMERGENCY ROOM.

Suicide Prevention:
(800) 784-2433
http://www.hopeline.com

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
(800)  273-8255
or text ANSWER to 839863
http://crisiscallcenter.org/crisisservices.html

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 
(800) 799-SAFE (7233) 
(800) 787-3224
Live chat is also available from 7 am - 2 am, Central Time, at http://www.thehotline.org/
http://www.ndvh.org

Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (RAINN):
(800) 656-HOPE (4673)

National Runaway Switchboard
(800) RUNAWAY (786-2929)

Planned Parenthood National Hotline 
800-230-PLAN (7526)

Trans Lifeline
U.S.:(877) 565-8860
Canada: (877) 330-6366
This hotline is staffed by volunteers who are all trans-identified and educated in the range of difficulties transgender people experience. Operators are generally available twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. 

My best to each and every one of you.  Please get the help you need.  Message IOI if you have any questions, would like to share your experience, or even just to say hello. 

Be well.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Moving forward

Saturday evening I went to a neighboring city's annual Take Back the Night.  I've been going almost every year for about 1/2 my life. Take Back the Night happens annually every October in different cities in the United States and beyond.  October is Domestic Violence Awareness month.  The event has an area for tabling for various organizations, areas for making buttons and signs, and a stage area with seating.  There are performances by local dance troupes, poets, and songwriters.  After the performances is the Survivor’s Speak Out during which survivors of domestic violence and abuse share their stories.  It is extremely powerful.  It’s empowering to see these brave people break their silence and shed the shame that has kept them quiet.  
I have been thinking a lot since Saturday about what to write about next?  So much is happening in the political world right now and I feel irresponsible if I don’t address it.  On the other hand, if I blogged every time something newsworthy happened during the campaign I’d never be able to write about anything else and I am just not willing to let it control my life or my blog like that.  There’s also the fact that I like you all too much to do that! 
So, there it is: control.  Who’s in control? There’s so much in our lives that we have no control over: pretty much anyone and anything not between the tips of your fingers, your toes, and the top of your head…assuming you have all of the aforementioned body parts.  We don’t have control over our past.  It’s over and done.  We do have control over what we do with it and how it affects us.  
I got really oversaturated about two days ago with media coverage of the election and had to turn the TV off.  What I was left with were my thoughts.  I was able to really think about what’s been going on the past few days, both in my personal life and on the broader level.  What came of that was that I kept going back to two things: my own power and my own responsibility.  You can’t have one without the other.  
At the time of this writing, the election is 27 days away.  This chapter is going to be over in less than 4 weeks.  Then what?  As a nation, we’re being exposed to divisions that were previously beyond imagination.  I don’t think anyone could have written this to be stranger than it’s turning out.  But on November 9, this part will be over.  I worry about what we have learned about our friends, family, and neighbors.  I believe there is some really dangerous thinking on all sides and sometimes people act on dangerous thoughts.  
Going back to my weekend report in the opening paragraph, that is what I hope will come from all of this: we continue to speak out.  We are having conversations now that we’ve never had before.  I believe we have needed to break through the shame that keeps survivors quiet for a long time.  I know we have a long way to go and I do expect there will be some backlash no matter who wins the election.  But I am really optimistic about some of the things being set into motion.  If we can focus our energy on these changes we really will be a force to be reckoned with.  
I want to close with a quote from The West Wing.  It’s from a special episode that aired about two weeks after 9/11.  In the scene, the Deputy Chief of Staff is telling a group of high school students how to combat terrorism and fear.  I can’t think of better advice for what we face here and now:
“Worry about school.  Worry about what you’re going to tell your parents when you break curfew.  You're going to meet guys.  You're going to meet girls…Learn things, be good to each other.  Read the newspapers, go to the movies, go to a party, read a book.  In the meantime, remember pluralism.  You want to get these people?  I mean, you really want to reach in and kill them where they live?  Keep accepting more than one idea.  It makes them absolutely crazy.  Go!”

Be well.

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Safety: REQUIRED READING FOR INSIGHT, OUTSIDE IN

There is nothing that’s happened on the blog or the Facebook page that has prompted me to write this.  It is the current political situation, coupled with the things I am seeing on social media.  So, once and for all, let me make something crystal clear so there is no question:  Insight, Outside In is a safe place and a person-centered community.  I know, clinical jargon.  What this means is that I absolutely will not tolerate any put downs or any shaming of anyone.  Whether we are discussing gender, sex, race, ethnicity, culture, religion, language, orientation, ability, political affiliation, profession, opinion, diagnosis, education level, socioeconomic level, or any other way we are categorized, there is a zero-tolerance policy for harming others.  Asking questions in a respectful way is encouraged.  If you have an opinion, great!  State it!  Own what’s yours.  We can discuss prejudices and even your own firmly held beliefs.  Just make sure you preface such statements with “I… (think, feel, believe, was raised hearing that…)” etc.  If you’re not sure if a comment is appropriate, feel free to ask me privately.  We can always discuss the wording, and I will do everything I can to make sure you are able to express your thought in a way that still meets these guidelines.  Abusive comments will deleted, and you will get one warning before you are banned from the page, no matter who you are.  
This is also really important: I am also human.  I will make mistakes.  If I post something offensive, PLEASE bring it to my attention.  You have every right to hold me to the same standard, and then some.  Your mental health and wellness are the reason I am here, and why I do what I do.  If I offend someone, it negatively affects our relationship, even if it’s just an online relationship.  Relationships matter.  IOI places relationships at an extremely high importance.  This is a community, even if it’s a virtual one, where everyone has the right to expect safety.  Let’s help each other to

Be well.