Can you Hear me?

Can you hear me now?

Friends, something is bothering me.  Last week I posted something on my personal FaceBook page about being a safe person for members of a certain minority group.  It was a re-post of something that’s going around.  I got a comment on the post from someone making a disparaging comment about that group.  I answered the person with this question: Why would you choose to post that comment on a post about supporting other people?  I left the question up for 24 hours.  When the person didn’t respond, I deleted the post, and re-posted the graphic with the following caveat: Supportive comments only.

While I have dealt with the offending comment, my discomfort with it remains.  I have been thinking a lot about the question I asked.  I really am trying to figure out the person’s motivation. Did the post make the person question their own values? Were they so offended by the topic that they felt they had to speak up? It’s almost a week later, and I’m still not sure.  I seriously doubt they thought they were going to change my mind.  In fact, anyone who knows me at all knows that I am going to speak up for the minority group.  

The one thing that I am pretty sure of is that the person needed to be heard.   They needed to be understood.  I think that’s a very common need.  If you recall Maslow’s hierarchy, our need for belongingness and love comes right above safety.  Intellectually it doesn’t make much sense to go to someone else’s Facebook page and post a disparaging comment.  But in doing so, the person making the comment probably felt stronger in their own role in their own group.  I can understand that.  Maybe they thought they were doing the right thing?  I believe it is extremely rare for someone to do something with the sole motivation being cruelty.  An action may cause harm, but the person might say that the ends justified the means.  

I am disappointed that the person chose not to talk to me about why they posted the comment.  I did not ask my question to antagonize, but to understand.  Don’t get me wrong, I was still going to delete the comment, or even the whole post.  I’m more than willing to listen, but it doesn’t mean I’m going to leave something up that could be harmful to people I love and care about.  I’m left feeling sad about the whole situation.  I know that someone saw the comment who could have really been harmed by it.  That scares me.  Fortunately the person also saw me stand up for the group of people and ultimately delete the post, but what if they hadn’t?  I would be mortified if someone in my own group thought that I agreed with what the commenter wrote.  The comment really went against everything I stand for.  

I am all for debate and discussion.  It’s how we learn and grow.  How can I learn to adapt my point of view to incorporate other ideas if I never hear any?  But how we have that discussion is what’s important, probably even more so than the content.  I need to be heard too.  Before I sign off, let me just say one quick thing about censorship and the first amendment: The first amendment protects us from laws which abridge our freedom of speech.  It doesn’t mean you get to say what you want when you want how you want.  Your right to extend your fist ends where my nose begins.  It's the same thing with our words.  Even in a context like an online forum where you can type pretty much anything you’re not free from the consequences of what you say because of free speech.  We all have a great responsibility to one another in order to live all together in society the way we do.  As for me, I endeavor to use my words to educate, counsel, comfort, and understand.  How do you want to use yours?

Be well

Seeking Help: Useful Contact Information

Here some national hotline numbers in the United States.  Insight, Outside In is all about taking care of yourself.  It can be really hard to talk about issues with someone you know, even if you know the person is supportive.  These hotlines are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  Remember that private messaging with IOI is also an option, but I can’t guarantee my availability.

Please know that you are cared for and valued.  You deserve to get the help you need.  You deserve wellness.  

In the event of an emergency, including thoughts or feelings of suicide or self-harm, or thoughts or feelings to harm someone else, CALL 911 OR YOUR LOCAL EMERGENCY NUMBER, OR PROCEED TO YOUR NEAREST EMERGENCY ROOM.

Suicide Prevention:

(800) 784-2433

http://www.hopeline.com

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

(800)  273-8255

or text ANSWER to 839863

http://crisiscallcenter.org/crisisservices.html

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 

(800) 799-SAFE (7233) 

(800) 787-3224

Live chat is also available from 7 am - 2 am, Central Time, at http://www.thehotline.org/

http://www.ndvh.org

Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (RAINN):

(800) 656-HOPE (4673)

http://www.rainn.org

National Runaway Switchboard

(800) RUNAWAY (786-2929)

http://www.1800runaway.org

Planned Parenthood National Hotline 

800-230-PLAN (7526)

http://www.plannedparenthood.org

Trans Lifeline

U.S.:(877) 565-8860

Canada: (877) 330-6366

This hotline is staffed by volunteers who are all trans-identified and educated in the range of difficulties transgender people experience. Operators are generally available twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. 

http://www.translifeline.org

My best to each and every one of you.  Please get the help you need.  Message IOI if you have any questions, would like to share your experience, or even just to say hello. 

Be well.

Moving forward

Saturday evening I went to a neighboring city's annual Take Back the Night.  I've been going almost every year for about 1/2 my life. Take Back the Night happens annually every October in different cities in the United States and beyond.  October is Domestic Violence Awareness month.  The event has an area for tabling for various organizations, areas for making buttons and signs, and a stage area with seating.  There are performances by local dance troupes, poets, and songwriters.  After the performances is the Survivor’s Speak Out during which survivors of domestic violence and abuse share their stories.  It is extremely powerful.  It’s empowering to see these brave people break their silence and shed the shame that has kept them quiet.  

I have been thinking a lot since Saturday about what to write about next?  So much is happening in the political world right now and I feel irresponsible if I don’t address it.  On the other hand, if I blogged every time something newsworthy happened during the campaign I’d never be able to write about anything else and I am just not willing to let it control my life or my blog like that.  There’s also the fact that I like you all too much to do that! 

So, there it is: control.  Who’s in control? There’s so much in our lives that we have no control over: pretty much anyone and anything not between the tips of your fingers, your toes, and the top of your head…assuming you have all of the aforementioned body parts.  We don’t have control over our past.  It’s over and done.  We do have control over what we do with it and how it affects us.  

I got really oversaturated about two days ago with media coverage of the election and had to turn the TV off.  What I was left with were my thoughts.  I was able to really think about what’s been going on the past few days, both in my personal life and on the broader level.  What came of that was that I kept going back to two things: my own power and my own responsibility.  You can’t have one without the other.  

At the time of this writing, the election is 27 days away.  This chapter is going to be over in less than 4 weeks.  Then what?  As a nation, we’re being exposed to divisions that were previously beyond imagination.  I don’t think anyone could have written this to be stranger than it’s turning out.  But on November 9, this part will be over.  I worry about what we have learned about our friends, family, and neighbors.  I believe there is some really dangerous thinking on all sides and sometimes people act on dangerous thoughts.  

Going back to my weekend report in the opening paragraph, that is what I hope will come from all of this: we continue to speak out.  We are having conversations now that we’ve never had before.  I believe we have needed to break through the shame that keeps survivors quiet for a long time.  I know we have a long way to go and I do expect there will be some backlash no matter who wins the election.  But I am really optimistic about some of the things being set into motion.  If we can focus our energy on these changes we really will be a force to be reckoned with.  

I want to close with a quote from The West Wing.  It’s from a special episode that aired about two weeks after 9/11.  In the scene, the Deputy Chief of Staff is telling a group of high school students how to combat terrorism and fear.  I can’t think of better advice for what we face here and now:

“Worry about school.  Worry about what you’re going to tell your parents when you break curfew.  You're going to meet guys.  You're going to meet girls…Learn things, be good to each other.  Read the newspapers, go to the movies, go to a party, read a book.  In the meantime, remember pluralism.  You want to get these people?  I mean, you really want to reach in and kill them where they live?  Keep accepting more than one idea.  It makes them absolutely crazy.  Go!”

Be well.

Safety: REQUIRED READING FOR INSIGHT, OUTSIDE IN

There is nothing that’s happened on the blog or the Facebook page that has prompted me to write this.  It is the current political situation, coupled with the things I am seeing on social media.  So, once and for all, let me make something crystal clear so there is no question:  Insight, Outside In is a safe place and a person-centered community.  I know, clinical jargon.  What this means is that I absolutely will not tolerate any put downs or any shaming of anyone.  Whether we are discussing gender, sex, race, ethnicity, culture, religion, language, orientation, ability, political affiliation, profession, opinion, diagnosis, education level, socioeconomic level, or any other way we are categorized, there is a zero-tolerance policy for harming others.  Asking questions in a respectful way is encouraged.  If you have an opinion, great!  State it!  Own what’s yours.  We can discuss prejudices and even your own firmly held beliefs.  Just make sure you preface such statements with “I… (think, feel, believe, was raised hearing that…)” etc.  If you’re not sure if a comment is appropriate, feel free to ask me privately.  We can always discuss the wording, and I will do everything I can to make sure you are able to express your thought in a way that still meets these guidelines.  Abusive comments will deleted, and you will get one warning before you are banned from the page, no matter who you are.  

This is also really important: I am also human.  I will make mistakes.  If I post something offensive, PLEASE bring it to my attention.  You have every right to hold me to the same standard, and then some.  Your mental health and wellness are the reason I am here, and why I do what I do.  If I offend someone, it negatively affects our relationship, even if it’s just an online relationship.  Relationships matter.  IOI places relationships at an extremely high importance.  This is a community, even if it’s a virtual one, where everyone has the right to expect safety.  Let’s help each other to

Be well.

Dominant and Sub: Let's Talk About Culture

Something I have been extremely fortunate to be able to do is learn American Sign Language (ASL).  I have been taking classes at the junior college, and while I am not fluent, I am certainly proficient.  Learning ASL is more than just learning the signs and how to put them together.  A key part of sign language education is learning about Deaf Culture.  For the purpose of this article, I’m going to use Merriam-Webster’s definition of culture as “ the customary beliefs, social forms, and material traits of a racial, religious, or social group; also :  the characteristic features of everyday existence (as diversions or a way of life) shared by people in a place or time.”  Deaf culture includes adaptive behavior that enables a Deaf person’s success in life.  For example, if a hearing person is late to a class made up primarily of other hearing people, the late student would be expected to come in as quietly as possible and take their seat without disturbing anyone.  A class made up primarily of Deaf people, or one which follows Deaf culture like an ASL class, would be very different.  The class would stop and acknowledge the late student.  He or she would be expected to share what was going on, and why they were late.  If there were a traffic problem, the student would detail where, how bad, the reason, you get the idea.  This is because a Deaf person can’t overhear information.  They won’t hear it on the radio when they get in the car to leave.  Sharing information is a high priority in Deaf culture.  To an outsider, it may look rude to disrupt a whole class.  But to the members of that culture, it’s not only tolerated, it’s expected!

Our society has a very definite dominant culture and many minority subcultures.  There are more divisions than I could possibly try to name, but the ones that seem to get discussed the most are race and sexual orientation.  

It concerns me when I hear members of the dominant culture belittling members of a minority culture as a whole, or a specific trait.  If someone is going the claim that every member of a subculture behaves a certain way, I want some hard evidence.  When we paint a group of people with a broad brush, we’ve crossed a line.  Instead of arguing directly with someone about whether a group does in fact conform to a given stereotype, I like to ask, “why do you think that is?”  I know I’m very likely not going to change anyone’s mind any more that they’re going to change mine.  But people behave the way they do for a reason.  In my example from Deaf culture, sharing information keeps other people safe.  It relays information the group wouldn’t otherwise have.  But to someone who doesn’t know Deaf Culture, they might think the person was extremely rude for interrupting the class to talk about a traffic accident.  The same event will look very different from two different perspectives.  

The things that make up culture, customary beliefs, social forms, and material traits, are how that particular group of people get their needs met.  It’s how they continue to survive, then live, then thrive.  When the dominant culture deprives the subculture of these beliefs, forms, and traits, the message is that the dominant culture is not concerned with the subculture’s survival.  What’s really dangerous about that is what a threat this is to our integrated society.  We don’t get to enjoy the benefits of living in a melting pot, and just discard the parts we don’t like.  There are going to be conflicts, that’s part of living together.  But I wish we’d ask each other more questions instead of making so many assumptions and accusations.  The dominant culture does not have the right to define the exs of the subculture. 

So no matter how you identify yourself, you have a right to contribute to your society.  A responsibility.  But the people around you do too.  These are wonderful opportunities to learn about yourself and your own culture too.  Learning about Deaf Culture made me aware of habit I have and things I do that have become automatic.  It doesn’t mean Deaf Culture has taken over, and I’m certainly not being oppressed!  It means just as I look at why other people do what they do, I ask the same question of myself.  Rather than feeling threatened, I feel more secure in who I am, and what I get to contribute.  What will your contribution be? 

Be well.

IOI's Perspective on Trauma and the Election

Friends, I have really been struggling with something: politics.  As a blogger in a helping field, I feel conflicted.  On one hand, I try very hard to make Insight, Outside In safe for as many people as possible.  Taking a political stance is one of the fastest ways I know to alienate a significant group of people.  On the other hand, any time mental health comes up in news or major media, I want to address it.  Bringing mental health issues to light is crucial to reducing stigma.  While I'm sure my bias shows to just about anyone who reads here with any regularity, I have tried very hard to keep my political opinions to myself.  But something was said by a major candidate for the office of President of the United States, and I feel a strong need to address it. This is the first time since IOI's inception this has happened, and I feel I am being baptized by fire! Here's the quote:

"When people come back from war and combat, they see things that maybe a lot of the folks in this room have seen many times over, and you're strong and you can handle it, but a lot of people can't handle it, And they see horror stories — they see events that you couldn’t see in a movie. Nobody would believe it. And we need mental health help, and medical. And it’s one of the things that I think is least-addressed, and it's one of the things that I hear the most about, when I go around and am talking to veterans."

I am printing the quote in its entirety, and not just the troublesome part.  While I agree that mental health is completely under-addressed, the first part is extremely problematic.  The implication is that a person with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is not strong.  

The very first point I need to make is to anyone reading this who has PTSD or any other trauma-related diagnosis, or anyone having symptoms, but doesn't have the actual diagnosis: YOU ARE AWESOME. If you are reading this, it means you survived.  You deserve to have survived.  You're a creative, resourceful, talented, strong, determined human being.  I am eternally grateful for you, and proud of you.  Someone else not seeing your infinite value doesn't mean it isn't there.  I promise it is.  

Now for anyone who has never experienced symptoms of a trauma-related diagnosis: I am so happy for you and excited for you! I hope you never have to go through anything that evokes those symptoms.  I am grateful for the life you live which is not inhibited by recovering from trauma.  It's really hard work.  I truly would not wish it on anyone.  

I see participation in society as a responsibility.  We all have a part.  To my friends in group number one, we need you.  Group two, listen up.  You're going to have to do your part for group number one.  Someday, you are going to need help from someone in group number one.  What's really cool is that all the work they're doing to deal with those symptoms is going to change them. 

I know that the part of the quote that was reported was taken out of context, but here’s the problem: Once we start to have a trauma reaction, our brains couldn’t care less about the context.  Remember, our 5 senses take in information, and send it at lightning speed through the processor, which then decides on a reaction and produces it.  I just published an article last week about the effects of shame.  It’s not hard to read the quote as a statement that if someone can’t handle “it,” they aren’t strong.  This has the potential to trigger symptoms for someone with PTSD from war and combat.  It’s important to be careful with our words.  As I’ve said before, relationships are of the utmost importance.  As I write this, there are 5 weeks until the election.  I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have extremely strong feelings about this election.  So the challenge I am putting out there to each of us, including myself, is for each of us to do our part.  Take care of one another, and take care of yourself.  This election will be over in 5 weeks and one day, and whomever is elected will not serve in office forever.  Whatever the outcomes will be, we will still live in relationships with one another.  

Be well.